See You Later

The other day I had this urge to journal about tears and their relationship to saying goodbye. This is all very personal  but I just wanted to get it down in writing, and it feels rather appropriate for right now as I prepare to say goodbye to the US, and begin my adventure in Prague.

My first really big goodbye was when my brother went away to college back in 2005. That was one goodbye where I remember crying a lot but I was young and my big brother was leaving so who wouldn't cry? He left several times after that to move to places even farther away so the tears eventually stopped. 

When my dad left I don't really remember there being a super sad goodbye session. The whole event was kind of heartbreaking for me so of course several tears were shed. 

In 2010, the first big death happened in my family, my grandpa passed away. Here's the thing, I only choked up when I hugged my mom as she told me the news. I only teared up when my younger cousin wept in my lap. I avoided the viewing because I didn't want to be sad, I didn't want to cry. This past year though at Arizona, I've thought about him several times and cried several times because he never got the chance to know that I chose Arizona for school. He would have been so proud and I just wish I could have seen his smile.

My own departure for college brought a lot of goodbye tears, all at once. I went to an early freshman camp and they removed you from your parents rather abruptly at dinner so that shook me up a bit. The next three days at camp didn't get any better as I realized all the change I had just been thrown into. Still, Arizona was the best decision I've ever made. I love it there. 

The end of my first semester brought tears as I said goodbye to my first roommate who wouldn't be returning to Arizona the following semester. I grew really fond of her, and it was sad to see her go. Everyone else I would be seeing second semester so it wasn't that sad. 

Now at the end of second semester I thought I would have been way sadder because I wasn't going to see everyone until the following January as I was studying abroad in the fall. I still didn't get that choked up because in my heart I knew I would most likely see them again! A lot of goodbyes are more just 'see you later(s)' so there's never too many teary moments for me.

Here's the thing that made me realize something. The last night before my flight back home, I had dinner with a dear friend of mine. Now I can't get into too many details because it's really confusing. Let's just say our relationship was rather complicated throughout the semester but I knew I had to see him once last time before I left. So after dinner, he pulled up in front of my dorm and I prepared to say goodbye. I didn't want to do it. I told him I didn't want to say goodbye. So we got out of the car and said "See you in January." I'll be honest, I started to tear up. What I realized with this moment was that  this goodbye had the chance to be a real goodbye. I wasn't sure if we are going to see each other again. He's got his own life to worry about, so why worry about me. I've thought about that goodbye almost all summer and my one wish is that this goodbye is a 'see you later.' More specifically, I hope it truly turns out to be a 'See you in January.'